July 26th ~ What is suffering? . . . . What does it mean? What is it that is suffering? Not why there is suffering, not what is the cause of suffering, but what is actually happening? I do not know if you see the difference. Then I am simply aware of suffering, not as apart from me, not as an observer watching suffering–it is part of me, that is, the whole of me is suffering. Then I am able to follow its movement, see where it leads. Surely if I do that, it opens up, does it not? Then I see that I have laid emphasis on the “me”–not on the person whom I love. He only acted to cover me from my misery, from my loneliness, from my misfortune. As I am not something, I hoped he would be that. That has gone; I am left, I am lost, I am lonely. Without him, I am nothing. So I cry. It is not that he is gone but that I am left. I am alone.
There are innumerable people to help me to escape–thousands of so-called religious people, with their beliefs and dogmas, hopes and fantasies–“It is karma, it is God’s will”–you know, all giving me a way out. But if I can stay with it and not put it away from me, not try to circumscribe or deny it, then what happens? What is the state of my mind when it is thus following the movement of suffering?
December 13th, 2019 ~ We are getting to the heart of suffering and sorrow. And the observed and the observer. “Then I am simply aware of suffering, not as apart from me, not as an observer watching suffering–it is part of me, that is, the whole of me is suffering.” How can you have a relationship with something that is not separate from you? It is a real challenge to not try to fix ourselves and others when we or they are suffering.
Have you ever followed your breathing during meditation without trying to direct the in and out breaths? Although I have been meditating for over 15 years, my breathing is still quite contrived. I am focused on breathing in and breathing out. But when I just observe myself breathing, it is very sporadic. Often times, it feels like I am breathing in and out simultaneously. It is quite interesting and a little unnerving. After a while, it seems to level out. K says he is able to following the suffering to where it might lead rather than trying to control it.